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This week I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I (with my siblings and my Mom) put my sweet, little, Alzheimer’s afflicted Dad into a nursing home. It hurt like hell, and it still does, so I thought I would just write about what a wonderful, unique individual he was when he was himself.

At Christmas every year, Dad would walk with us kids to McCree Park where he would climb the trees and pick mistletoe. My baby sister Jenny would egg him on to climb higher, further out on the limbs. We would laugh until our sides ached as he dangled precariously from the tree tops. We always took home way more mistletoe than Mom wanted in the house, but Dad always put it over her head first thing and claimed his kiss, and she didn’t complain too much.

Dad was a big fan of University of Arkansas football. The year they played Texas for the National Championship, we were all watching in the den. Arkansas made a fine play, and Dad got so excited he jumped up and knocked the globe out of the chandelier with his head. It flew up in the air, and he caught it as he and the globe both came down. We thought he was pretty special.

My Dad was the biggest fan of jazz that I’ve ever known. His tastes were wide and varied. He loved the straight ahead stuff from Bud Powell and Art Pepper to Thelonious Monk and Miles Davis. And he really loved our local jazz hero, Red Garland. He loved the musicians and the singers and collected them all. He had (actually we still have) every album Billie Holiday ever made and many in duplicate because he would buy the fantastic boxed sets which were released after they were originally done on LP. The same goes for Ella Fitzgerald, Frank Sinatra, Anita O’Day, Mildred Bailey and Benny Goodman. He loved the big bands and collected all of them. And the big band singers - what can I say. The Helens (Forrest, O’Connell, Humes, Ward), June Christy, Peggy Lee, Jo Stafford and his beloved Martha Tilton. His LP collection numbers somewhere between 7,000 and 8,000 and his collection of 78’s runs about half that. And among all that great jazz, you’ll find a smattering of opera, classical, and authentic country such as Mother Maybelle Carter and Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs.

Dad’s love of music was not just in listening. His knowledge was downright encyclopedic. He knew the year a song was recorded, what label it was on, and could name all the musicians. When my brother, Steve, and I would sit for hours and listen with Dad, it was always sort of a game for us to identify the singer and the sidemen accompanying. When I didn’t know the singer, I’d just guess “Helen” because there were so many of them I had a decent chance of being right. This was a terrifically fun game to Steve and me. I was pretty good at the singers, but Steve was much better at the more difficult trivia than I was. The music education I got from my Dad I would compare to one from any institution of higher learning.

Dad was a reader and a writer and challenged us to do both as much as possible. He was a lover of movies and art, and we would make lists of favorite things. My lists of favorite movies, favorite songs, and favorite singers would change with each year. Dad loved Alice Faye, and he said a day never went by that he didn’t think of her. Oscar night was a special night at my house. He was so proud of the Academy when they awarded Midnight Cowboy. He didn’t think they would have the courage. After all, it was the only movie rated R ever awarded (maybe even nominated) for Best Picture. And we all cried for joy when Meryl Streep won for Sophie’s Choice.

I will miss him so much it’s unbelievable. The shell of a body that is left of him will linger, but the essence of the man is gone. And it’s unbearably sad.

It’s new year’s eve, and I’m finishing out the year exactly where I want to be - with LJ at the lake. It’s sunny, in the 50’s, and just beautiful. I’ve been pondering the year soon to be past, and like the others, there have good times and not so good.

We started the year on a very sad note, with our life-long friends Dot and Neill English dying within one day of each other in January. It was unexpected, untimely, and heartbreaking. They were only in their 70’s, and it was ironic that they died one day apart. They were inseparable in life; it’s only fitting that their end was the same.

In March, we celebrated my brother’s birthday with him and his wife here at the lake. It was a lovely weekend and made me very aware of how it seems Steve and I grow closer each year. It’s nice to have that kind of relationship with a brother.

April brought a huge thrill for LJ and me. One of our favorite jazz singers, Stacey Kent, and her husband, jazz saxophonist Jim Tomlinson, came to Edmond, Oklahoma. They headline Ronnie Scott’s in London and Birdland in New York City, and here they were coming to the University of Central Oklahoma of all places! We grabbed reservations and hightailed it. And they did not disappoint. They put on a beautiful show, and we met them and got CD’s signed after the show. If you’re not familiar with them, I highly recommend them.

In May, we took one of the trips a lifetime to Italy with LJ’s sister, Janet. We went to Rome, Tuscany and Bellagio. It was a beautiful journey and it was really good to spend it with Janet. I loved Rome, but San Gimignano and the surrounding area is still my favorite. I will say, though, that my only disappointment with Bellagio was that I didn’t run into Mr. Clooney. I’m sure he’s disappointed, too.

June brought our 39th wedding anniversary. We spent it at the lovely W Hotel with dinner at Lola. I still can’t believe it’s been that long. In some ways it only seems like a few years. I’m ready for many more.

October was a huge month. First, you know if you read this blog that October brought Hurricane Ike which wiped out Bolivar Peninsula and Crystal Beach. It still makes me tear up to think about it. However, we went with the Barnetts to Lake Murray, Oklahoma and had a wonderful time with them like we always do. We’re already talking about trying to get back to Galveston next year even though Crystal Beach is gone. And finally, we had the Hawkins cousins’ reunion at Country Woods Inn in Glen Rose. What a blast. And what a month!

November brought the best news of the year - the election of Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Even though the economy is tanking and the Middle East is teetering on annihilation, there is hope for the future.

I am finishing the year bittersweet. We spent Christmas with my family in Kansas City. While it was really wonderful to be with my Mom and my sisters and their families to celebrate, it is just too difficult to witness how Alzheimer’s destroys a human being from the core out. My Dad is no longer a person I know. It is painful to have your father ask what your name is and whether or not you finished college. I can only hope that this doesn’t drag on for long. As he said when we were there, “I am lost.” I don’t think he’ll be found again on this earth.

But life goes on, and tomorrow will be a new year. It will bring good and bad as it did this year, but it always brings new hopes. And that’s what keeps us all going. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE.

My favorite new year’s dinner, Chili and Cornbread.

Beef Chili

3 T. vegetable oil
3 lb. ground chuck
3 yellow onions
8 garlic cloves
1 jalapeno
1/2 cup chili powder
2 T. cumin
1 T. oregano
2 t. coriander
1 1/2 cups lager beer
2 1/2 cups beef broth
1 can (28 oz.) crushed tomatoes
1 can kidney beans (rinsed and drained)
1 can pinto beans (rinsed and drained)

Brown ground chuck in 2 tablespoons oil. Drain thoroughly. While meat is draining, saute onions, garlic and jalapeno in remaining oil. Add meat back to pan and add remaining ingredients (through beans) and stir completely. Simmer over low heat for at least one hour or more if desired.

My Dad has advanced Alzheimer’s and is going downhill fast.  Late in the day or evening, he is starting not to know who my Mom is.  But that’s not the half of it; he thinks she’s a man.  At night he tries to throw her out of the bed because he “doesn’t sleep with men.”  It would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad.  Believe me, my sister doesn’t think it’s funny when she has to go over to their house in the night and calm him down so he won’t throw Mom out!

I idolized my Dad.  He was an English major in college, and the world of words was a treasure to him.  He prided himself in perfect grammar, and he never misused the verbs “to lie” and “to lay.”  (It’s lots harder than you think when you get out of present tense!)  He was a collector of jazz records, and has upwards of 5,000 LP’s and 78’s.  He has every song Billie Holiday ever recorded and just about every one Ella recorded.  He had an encyclopedic memory of all the musicians who played on each recording, and where and when they were recorded.  Today, he picks up the records and looks at them like he’s never seen them before.  He swore to me that someone sent some of them to him in the mail, unsolicited.  It just makes me cry.  However, he still corrected my brother-in-law’s grammar just a few weeks ago.  I think that will be reflexive with him to the end.

He’s always had a phenomenal memory.  He was very politically astute and when he got into discussions with people over political issues, he was able to site facts and quote the pertinent authorities off the top of his head.  In fact, that was when we began to realize he had Alzheimer’s.  He would be in the middle of a political discussion, and all of a sudden no one’s name would come to him.  He would become so frustrated, it would send him into a depression.  I had no idea it would devolve to where we are today.  What a nasty, senseless disease!

For the recipe today, I think we need something comforting (and trouble free) - like soup!

Italian Sausage Soup

2 lbs. Italian sausage (half hot and half sweet, or all sweet, your preference)

2 garlic cloves, minced

2 cans artichoke hearts, drained and chopped

2 cans diced tomatoes (undrained)

1 package Lipton onion soup mix

1 teaspoon each basil and oregano

1 teaspoon Italian seasoning

1/2 cup orzo

In a large soup pot, saute sausage until no longer pink.  Add remaining ingredients and thoroughly mix.  Add water just to cover and simmer at least one hour.  It’s even better made ahead a day and reheated.

Well, not exactly my hero, but he is the reason I love to cook today.  I watched every dexterous move of his fingers, and practiced making mine move the same way.  They never have, mind you, but I keep trying.  He made cooking an art form for me.  He’s the king of the kitchen.  But a hero?  Webster’s Collegiate says a hero is, among other things, “an object of extreme admiration and devotion. Idol.”  And idol is “a representation or symbol of an object of worship.” 

I think we’ve been throwing those two words around a bit lightly these days.  For me, Jacques’ kitchen quests are certainly admirable, but worthy of devotion?  Give me a break.  And all those underage wannabes who have loud, mostly on key voices and funny hair – worthy of worship?   Maybe we ought to reorder some priorities here and change the name of that show to Next American Hot Body.  It would be more honest.  Why does Tom Brady become a hero instead of just a really good football player?  What else has he done in life that is heroic besides toss that ball?  (It looks like this year he isn’t even going to do that.  What a drop in status!)

I’m re-thinking my heroes today.  My Mom is a hero because she takes care of my Dad with Alzheimer’s every day.  Not that she doesn’t ever complain, but I don’t think complaining about the hell that is Alzheimer’s keeps you from being a hero.  My sister, Sarah, is my hero because she backs up my Mom and keeps her sane.  I think most of the heroes out there are just everyday people who do extraordinary things that help others keep their lives livable.

Recipe of the day is Cilantro Chicken Breasts because I cooked them the other night and LJ called me his hero.  Maybe he should re-think that.

Cilantro Chicken Breasts

4 chicken breasts, skinned and boned

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

salt and pepper

1/3 cup plain low-fat yogurt

2 tablespoons light cream

1 teaspoon corn starch mixed with 1 tablespoon water

¾ cup unsalted chicken stock

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

2 tablespoons finely chopped shallot

1 small tomato, seeded and chopped

1/3 cup cilantro, coarsely chopped

Heat oil over medium-high heat in skillet.  Season chicken breasts with salt and pepper and sauté until cooked through.  Transfer to plate and keep warm.

In a small bowl, stir the yogurt and cream into the cornstarch mixture.  Set aside.

Add garlic and shallot to skillet and sauté for 1 minute.  Add stock and lemon juice to skillet, and stir to deglaze pan.  Boil slowly for 3 to 4 minutes until liquid has reduced slightly.  Remove from heat and stir in the tomato and yogurt mixture.  Add cilantro. 

Pour sauce over chicken and serve.